Ask A Moronic Question…

you want a question? i’ll give you a question: … … … … just give me a second, okay? your pressuring me like this isn’t going to get you a question any faster!! i can’t be put on the spot like this!! what’s your problem?
okay, here goes, if there was a man named henry with black hair and he lived on a hill in a house far from civilization with his five cats and played a bassoon while he poured them all blue cool-aid from a flourescent pink transparent pitcher and he slipped on the green jello that had been on the floor since before the last decent president was elected, does he call out in alarm or pain before he continues to skid across the obviously slippery floor through the open door leading to the basement and crashes down the stairs to his death, or is the only sound the breaking of his bones because of his vow of silence and the fact that he hasn’t used his vocal cords in a few decades- in other words, in the face of death, does he give a damn if he adhers to this vow, or does he wonder why the hell he didn’t get out more? so?
Erin

Dear Erin,

Here’s a better question. If there was a girl named Erin who was a babbling MORON and she wrote to me about NOTHING, would I want to A) push her in front of a train, B) laugh while a bear ate her, or C) go back in time and kill her ancestors so I wouldn’t have to endure her prattle in the first place? Hmm. Toughie.
Dr. Joe

Deer Joe

Dear DR Joex

Well I have been really sad and at the same time disappointed. I had this friend for about 4 years now and we started dating but it did not work out so we left it at that. But since we still frequent the same group of friends then we kept in touch. He was dating and so was I . Different people of course! 🙂 Well we became really close friends not to mention that we lived close to each ohther and, we became closer when I broke up with my man and he caught his girlfriend cheating on him. I heard him out and we became like each others shoulder to cry on. After that we just became inseperable we where each other’s shadow’s. all my friends where his friends and co- workers knew him and vise versa not to mention family. HIs family really liked me but afraid to say that mine where not fond of him. Well whatever now 3 years later here we are no one with any type of relationship. but we where there for each other not physically but in every other way. Untill 6 months ago we became physical with each other and it was great untill about 2 months ago he snapped he was really rude and very distant and basically he shut me out of his life. No one knew about our fling because it was a secret even though people thought of it . Well he met this girl in which I confided in and she took what she knew and used to her advantage and, she just met him like a month ago and the frist week they knew each other they left town and slept togethe. He kept his trip a secret and damn he just was not the same Ifound things out through a friend. Well now about 3 weeks ago he came to my house like at 3 in the morning after attending a bar and we just talked and I asked him why did he shut me out of his life like that and he said because I was a punk. That is all I got out of him! After he told me He loved me that he cared about me because no one understood him( because he is very crude, rude and really hard to get along with at times) and that I was his best friend he would call me 4 times a day and wake me up and when the last time I slept over his house He woke up and he was rubbing my foot and he looked at me and smiled I pretended to sleep. I don’t know I really niss him and it has been 3 weeks since I have talked to him but I am tempted to. The last time I paged him with my code and he showed one of our friends and our friend asked what did you do to her an dhe does not say anything. So now I understand he is busy because he is in the academy.. but I miss him sooo much and now I can’t tell him that I love him because I have denied it because I thought it would ruin what we had not to mention our friendship. Now that is what I miss the most now! So what now should I call him I know this chich he is with now is nothing to him because I, well I know but what sould I do now. Try to move it is hard because all my friends are his an dvise versa and no way to avoid him so please help I am sad and confused!
XXXXdistraught and heart broken
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Dear XXXdistraught,

They say opportunity only knocks once, so chances are you blew it. Plus, the chick he’s with probably knows how to spell.
Dr. Joe
Pooling Our Wisdom

Dr. Joe,

My question is this: I always practice on on the 9 foots, or the oversize 8′ I have at home. However, when I go out and play, it’s always on a bar table. Since this in the case, would I be better off just getting a bar table for the house, and getting rid of my oversize 8? I think the bigger tables make you a better shot maker due to the extra distance, and the tighter pockets, however; there are sudblties that you run into on the bar tables that you don’t come across on the larger ones. Basically, I just want to do what would be most beneficial for my game. What do you think?
Thanks,KIRBY
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Dear KIRBY,

Now FINALLY we have someone asking a question that matters. Go with the larger table. Take it from Dr. Joe, who by the way would have won the Volsnorple X semiannual Grand Pool tournament if it weren’t for the undersized tables. If the tables were decently sized then I wouldn’t have been able to throw one at Franko, which is apparently what the judges had a stick up their ass about.
Dr. Joe
Thanks For The Info

Thank You.
Your Message/Inquiry has been recieved.
As soon as I have a chance to review it, I will contact you.
Best Regards,
Jonathan Cosie
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Dear Jonathan,

I wait with bated breath, believe me.
Dr. Joe
All In The Family

Dear Dr. Joe,

My mother’s a stripper, my brother a bi-sexual, my sister a neo-nazi, and my dad is a gay Jewish man. Here’s my question: Should I get help, or go on Jerry Springer?
Puffy (Yes, that’s my name)
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Dear Puffy,

All my friends tell me your sister’s neo-nazi thing is just a front and disappears once you get two beers into her.
Dr. Joe
The Many Colors Of Stupidity

Dear Dr. Joe,

I go with this boy and I’m not sure if I’m ready to have SEX with him I think so but can you help.
J.>C.>B.>
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Dear ICB,

Why thank you for such a cute LETTER. Why I just loved all the colors and arbitrary CAPITALIZATION. The best way to determine if you’re ready is to hit yourself in the FOREHEAD with a steel girder.
Dr. Joe
Suspicions Confirmed

Dear Dr.Joe,

I’m so nice to everyone but they hate me.But there’s this girl thatlikes me and she’s hideous.What do I do?
Valoroi
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Dear Valoroi,

Fear not. We contacted that girl and it turns out she hates you too.
Dr. Joe
Emotional 911

i boke up with my boyfriend of two years about 7 months ago and i really want to go out with him but he has his heart set on just being friends i know should respect his wshes but is there anyway that i can get him to go out with me again?write back soon! christina
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Dear Christina,

(Glancing at watch.) Well, it’s been 11 months since you wrote your letter, so I guess you’ve worked it all out by now. Guess I should get to some of these faster. *burp*
Dr. Joe
Emotional 912

i just broke up with my boyfriend about 7 months ago and i asked out resently but he said no i really want to go out with him but he has his heart on just being friends i know i should respect his wishes but is there anyway i can change is mind and get him to go outwith me? please write back as soon as possible!!!!!!!!!!!!
christina
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Dear Christina,

Well lookee here, another one. I wonder what happened.
Dr. Joe
The Hidden Reason

Hey Dr.Joe,

My problem is I like this guy but, for a reason that I won’t say, I can’t go out w/him. Is there anyway that I can get over him?
Gemlet54
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Dear Gemlet,
Yes there is a way, but for a reason that I won’t say, I won’t tell you what it is.
Dr. Joe
Looking For True Love

when,where, how will i fine my true love and have i seen her yet. please e mail me the answer at xxxx because i need to know
tonyo
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Dear Tonyo,

Yep, you saw her two weeks ago and walked right by. Tragic, huh.
Dr. Joe
Hand Jive

Dear dr. Joe

I need to know what to do about a boy at my school he keeps touching me……. what should I do?Jamie
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Dear Jamie,

Try abstaining from deoderant a few weeks. You might lose your friends too, but better safe than sorry.
Dr. Joe
The Many Questions

Dear Dr. Joe,

I wish to know why I always pick jerks to go out with, then get hurt because they are jerks. Also, what is the circumfrence of the universe? Is my spirit guide embezzling from me? How can I get a date with Trent Reznor as soon as possible? And why does Liederkranz cheese smell like someone’s dirty socks? I am sure many other people have contemplated these questions and I will return soon to find out your almighty answer.
You are the next phase in new age enlightenment.
Om Mane Padme Hum,Cuzzin Cie
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Dear Cuzzin,

To answer your questions in order:
1) Duh.
2) I’d know by know if it weren’t for these damn speed traps.
3) *burp*
4) Self-delusory fantasies give fast results, and are generally cheaper than real dates.
5) Guess where they make it.
Dr. Joe
Achtung, Banal!

Ich werde außer Haus sein von 19.08.99 Bis 12.09.99.
Am Mo. 13.9.99 bin ich wieder im Haus. Ihre Mails werde ich nach meiner
Rückkehr beantworten
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Dear Rückkehr,

Please don’t scare away the children. Leave that to me.
Dr. Joe